Finding Purpose in Pain

Providing support, expressing true feelings of grief and sorrow, and creating a safe space for women who have experienced miscarriages and pregnancy loss.

A word on healing and God’s timing.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with the concept of grief and healing. There are days when I don’t I understand what happened and want to be healed immediately and try to get pregnant again. Almost like nothing ever happened and we’re back int he pregnancy season. Then other days I’m too scared to even hope for a family in the future, let alone start trying. The pain of our loss is so heavy that I don’t want any other children, I just want to hold the little boy I lost.

God is going to have to work through these thoughts in my head with me. If I were to start trying for a family right now I would be a basket case, but I trust that He will heal me when He is ready and we will try to get pregnant again once He makes it perfectly clear that it’s time for us to take that next step.

Here’s a few words on what I’ve learned over the past few weeks. Click the link in my bio to visit the blog to read the full post on Healing’s Timing.

#miscarriage #pregnancyloss #faith #godstiming #healing #angelmom #healingjourney

Do you ever feel like, after a miscarriage, your life is at a standstill? I’m watching the flowers bloom, and everyone is moving forward with their lives, while mine feels like I’m stuck in quicksand. Some days, I feel like we never were pregnant, and we’re still in this waiting season of trying to start a family. On other days, I remember what happened, and the grief overwhelms me, and I can barely move. Then there are days when I still feel like I’m pregnant and feel my hands gravitating toward my stomach out of habit.

Everyone keeps saying it’ll get better in time, and this is God‘s plan or timing for my life. But to be honest, I don’t feel like God‘s plan was for me to get pregnant and then lose this baby. I don’t feel like God collects unborn children or takes lives to teach us a lesson. And most importantly, I don’t believe God‘s timing was for us to get pregnant and then take it away.

I feel like the statement God‘s timing is something Christians say when they’re waiting for something to happen and looking for comfort. Instead of saying, I pray that God holds you in this season and blesses you with a family, it’s easier to say trust in God’s timing for your life, he’ll make it happen when he’s ready!

Someone told me this week (trying to be comforting), nothing in life is guaranteed, and I realized just how fragile pregnancy really is. And they were right, just because we got pregnant didn’t mean we were actually going to meet and hold this baby. But was that really God‘s plan? Was it really God‘s timing for us to get pregnant after waiting for so long and then have nothing to show for it? Since we got pregnant and lost the baby does that mean it really wasn’t God‘s timing and it was just a fluke that we conceived?

I’ve been wrestling with God and struggling, especially this week with the statement “trust in God’s timing for your life.”

What are your thoughts?

My goal in this season is to find joy in little moments. I found that it makes me happy having fresh flowers at our house every day. There’s been something so joyful about seeing spring blooms every morning next to my coffee pot 💐

How do you balance the feelings of being happy for somebody else while also grieving your loss?

I got to hold my nephew while we were shopping as a family this week, and I was so proud when people complimented him or asked about him. I wanted to tell them about my baby I had just lost and say I’m a mom too! But I wasn’t sure how to find the words. There are moments when I see my friend’s babies and feel so hopeful and joyful, then moments when it’s too hard for me to see any babies because the grief of losing mine is so heavy it feels like I’m being crushed.

So many emotions are constantly coursing through my mind:
👉 Joy seeing a new mom and wanting to pray and bless her
👉 Then sadness hits, knowing that it could have been me
👉 Followed by anger, knowing I had a chance and it didn’t work out
👉 Then confusion as to why I wasn’t able to start a family or hold my baby
👉 And finally, fear of the future settles in

It’s crazy how you can go from feeling like you belong in this new season of motherhood when you’re pregnant to feeling like such an outsider if you lose your baby. There are so many emotions to process that I think staying home or being out of town is easier than facing what’s familiar. How do you move on with life when it changes so drastically?

#miscarriage #lifeafterloss #angelmom #pregnancyloss #pregnancylossjourney #pregnancyjourney #family #grief #miscarriagesupport #poetry

The Sunrise

I see you in the sunrise
When the colors and bright and strong
And I know in my heart
You’re already where you belong

I’m so lost without you
After carrying you for some time
You were taking from me so quickly
Like the victim of a cruel crime

I see your face in rainbows
God promises through and through
Even after all these weeks
The sting of your loss still fresh and new

My heart feels empty
Like a ghost floating around
But when I see the beautiful sunrise
I know you’re safe and sound

They say there was a rainbow
Over a hospital that day
So I choose to trust Gods promises
That hope will find a way

I know I’ll see you again
I can feel it in my heart
And for this family
You will always be the start

#miscarriage #sunrise #angelbaby #pregnancyloss #miscarriagesupport #hope #family #boymom #pregnancyjourney #lifeafterloss #poetry

We flew to the beach yesterday, and during the flight, I kept praying that I would see a glimpse of Heaven. I wanted to see my little boy in the clouds, in Jesus’ arms, safe and sound. Although I didn’t actually see anything, I felt close to him while we were in the air—almost like Heaven was nearby, even though I couldn’t see it. I wanted to stay on that plane forever and feel close to the Lord and my son.

There’s a weird phenomenon called pareidolia, where the brain interprets random or abstract things as recognizable patterns or objects. I kept trying to envision my baby lying in cloud patterns, but then I realized it was just clouds; there was no real vision or image. I desperately want God to show me my son. I feel his love and the effect of everyone’s prayers, but it’s the sight I’m craving.

#miscarriage #poetry #pregnancyloss #lifeafterloss #faith #miscarrriagequotes #miscarriagesupport #pregnancylosssupport #infantloss #pregnancyjourney

So whatever the reason, I’m barely getting by
I’ll trust it’s a season knowing that you’re by my side
Every step of the way
And I’ll be okay

‘Cause I brought it up in a desperate prayer
Lord, why are you keeping me here?
Then He said to me, “Child, I’m planting seeds
I’m a good God and I have a good plan”
So trust that I’m holding a watering can
And someday you’ll see that flowers grow in the valley
-Samantha Ebert, Steph Schlueter

#miscarriage #flowers #songquotes #blooms #pregnancyloss #miscarriagesupport #angelbaby #songlyrics #quotes

Was It Me?

It’s so difficult not to blame my body for this loss. Everyone says, “You were able to get pregnant! Your body knows what to do now!” But does it? My body miscarried, and I felt my water break at 12 weeks; that isn’t what your body is supposed to do at all! I desperately want to blame something, and my body is the first thing that comes to mind; after all, I was the one growing and caring for this child. This is a mental battle I’m facing every day.

Blaming yourself is one of the reasons I believe women don’t talk about pregnancy loss. It’s common to feel shame and want to hide or hang your head after a miscarriage because you feel like it’s something YOU have done wrong. Nobody can give you an answer or a reason for why you miscarried, gave birth prematurely, or lost a pregnancy. It’s just something the body does. How do you come to terms with loss with no answers or reasoning? Loss isn’t something you get over, it’s something you get through.

#miscarriage #poetry #pregnancyloss #lifeafterloss #miscarriagesupport #strength #boymom #angelbaby #mentalhealth

It’s hard when you know God could intervene and change the circumstances, especially since He knows how our life will play out beforehand. He knew this would happen to us, so why didn’t he step in?

👉 Swipe to read my thoughts or click the link in bio to read the full post on The Little Lime blog

#miscarriage #faith #pregnancyloss #miracles #miscarriagesupport #walkingbyfaith #pregnancyloss #lifeafterloss #boymom

Small Victories 🤍✍️

#miscarriage #poetry #pregnancyloss #pregnancyjourney #lifeafterloss #boymom #angelbaby #miscarriagesupport

This morning is our follow-up appointment for our miscarriage. I’m so scared to see the empty ultrasound and hear the confirmation that we are no longer pregnant. After waiting for so long and finally feeling like I am entering the season of life I’ve dreamt of for years, we’re back to square one.

We have so many beautiful ultrasound pictures of our little guy, but I still wish I had a printout of his 12-week ultrasound to show you how beautiful he looks and that he really was there. I would do anything to look at his arms and legs moving again on that screen again and see his heartbeat. We never heard the sound, but just seeing it was so comforting that my baby was ok. I find myself rubbing my stomach or holding onto what’s left of my belly, and it brings me peace, but also, as my body is starting to change back to my pre-pregnancy self, it hurts to see it all go away like nothing ever happened. I have no baby to hold, just a stuffed animal I bought for his nursery that rattles when it moves. What I would give to hear crying or laughter in this home instead of silence and a rattle.

We could use your prayers this morning as we continue to process what’s happening in our lives and return to the place now empty and low that used to bring me so much joy and excitement.

#miscarriage #ultrasound #hope #infertility #angelmom #prayers #healing #pregnancyloss #pregnancyphotoshoot #pregnancy #boymom

A week ago today, Ian and I lost our baby boy at 12 weeks into our pregnancy. It’s still hard to believe this has happened us, and we’re still trying to process what’s going on. What I would give this morning to say April fools, and to announce that we’re still pregnant and that Jesus did give us the miracle we prayed for.

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment and ultrasound, and I’m so scared and nervous. A part of me still has hope that God will give us a miracle and we’ll see our sweet boy on that ultrasound screen. But even if not, we will still worship him in this season.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a full week since we took the meso medicine to remove any tissue that I wasn’t able to pass naturally. I’m still cramping and bleeding, which is just a constant reminder of what’s happened. We’re praying we do not have to have the D&C surgery after everything we’ve already been through. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support! 💙🤍

Many people have told me that they believe God wanted this baby for himself, or there must’ve been something wrong with the baby for this to happen, or my favorite, it was just bad luck. But I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t think God decides all of a sudden, that he’s going to take a baby from the mother‘s womb. I don’t think God would intentionally incorporate a miscarriage into His plan for someone’s life. I think He can use the pain for our spiritual growth and testimony, but I do not believe miscarriages or the loss of a baby are part His devine plan.

I was reading in Luke about Mary’s pregnancy and her meeting with Elizabeth. Mary had just found out that she had conceived and was carrying Jesus, basically only days into her pregnancy, and the second she walked into Elizabeth’s house, Elizabeths baby jumped and recognized that baby in Mary’s womb. I understood that the second of baby is conceived, it is a life, a soul, and a unique individual. Not just a ball of tissue that leaves the womb during miscarriages and is forgotten.

Even though I didn’t have the opportunity to hold this baby, watch him grow, and I left the hospital empty- handed, I still consider myself a mother who has a son. 💙 One of the hardest parts for me was getting into the wheelchair at the hospital to go home. After all that pain and trauma, I didn’t have a baby to hold. That feeling of emptiness, loss and grief took over and all I could do is hang my head and cry. I know I will have a chance to hold this baby one day when we are together in Heaven, but that emptiness feels so heavy in the meantime. I still believe God is good, and he will hold onto me in the meantime just like he is currently holding onto my child.

#miscarriage #boymom #miscarriagesupport #pregnancy #pregnancyloss #healing #faith #angelbaby

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Blog Posts

Healing's Timing

Each day brings something different and some are better than others. But for now, I will wait. I will be still. I will not rush or force healing, but learn to abide and see how he uses this terrible situation in my life for good.

Song Lyrics: Tend

"Tend" by Bethel Music & Emmy Rose.

The Sunrise Poem

I see you in the sunrise, when the colors are bright and strong

My Heartfelt Mission

Why I'm Here

The Little Lime was created after the loss of my son James at 12 weeks into our first pregnancy. This account is dedicated to supporting and building a community for women who have faced the challenges of miscarriage, infertility, and pregnancy loss. I aim to provide a safe and understanding space where women can share their experiences, find solace, and empower each other.

I believe it's important to share our stories of the little lives gone too soon. Everyone wants to talk about their birth experience, but nobody wants to talk about their miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Join me as we process the pain, grief, and emptiness while clinging to God's goodness and hope for our future.